Goblin Talk

A random, short format, variety show goblin podcast

Archive for the ‘News’ Category



What’s this? Somebody figured out how to hack the internet airways and hijack the signals and extrapolate the thingamajigs and has no idea what we are even talking about? Heck yeah!

Goblin Talk is going LIVE! That’s right, we are going to broadcast unrehearsed, unedited, and censor free! It might even not entirely suck! And you can be there, in the comfort of your own home, wearing whatever you want, listening in and commenting to your heart’s content on Facebook!

So check it out, click the link, do the thing, enjoy the show!


News , Podcast

It should of be no surprise to anyone, anymore, that humans seem to place a strange importance on the color of one’s skin. This leads to strife, and turmoil, and bloody chaos; which honestly, we are all for, in the right context. But recent events have really started to get out of hand. So we are here to say:  Please, think of the GOBLINS!

It is true, we are oppressed all the friggen time! And it is always over the same silly things you humans are abusing each other for. The color of our skin, the length of our noses, the strange things we eat, our violent destructive tendancies, or that one time we accidentally “borrowed” a child that was already spoken for…

I mean, really, if you don’t want someone to take the baby just lying there sleeping, swaddled in a blanket, secure in it’s playpen, with the front doors locked, the dog on guard, and the alarm system turned on—JUST LEAVE A FRIGGEN NOTE! Seriously, if he was that important to you, why is it so hard to take a few precautions to ensure his safety. Sheesh…

Anyhow, Wedji TuCheeks decided to hit the mean streets of Baltimore to put an end to this oppressive nonsense once and for all. It is time for some Goblin Outreach, the key to combating the stigma in the communities where we live and work. Or at the very least, transferring it over to the trolls. Really, if you want to oppress someone, they are ripe for the position and too dumb to even realize it is happening. As we always say, Trolls Drool & Goblins Rule!

So go Green! (ish… Brown. Yeah, go brown. Green is kinda gross.)




wedjiflies Over the weekend, Mab’s facebook account was turned back on, granting her access to the site again, and to her professional pages (like Wedji TuCheeks and Goblin Talk).  She did not receive any sort of official “You are all good now.” notice from facebook or anything, and certainly not an apology, so we wanted to wait till today to see if it was for real or just a glitch of the code.

She is still there today, so we are going to take it as a real thing! And it is all because of you!

The outpouring of support was absolutely amazing, and helped her cope with the fact that she had been effectively cut off from the most important social media tool that she uses. No matter what anyone says about expecting nothing for free – it is a terrible thing to have your voice, and your online identity, suddenly silenced.

We don’t know what it was that changed their minds. Personally, I think it was the over 20,000 people who saw the initial post on facebook, and the hordes of folks who reached out for accountability from FB on twitter, and the 7,000 people who came here to the Goblintalk.com website to read about what was going on. It was the fact that people cared enough about this injustice, granted a small one compared to all the other troubles in the world, but that they cared enough about Mab to spread the word and say “This is NOT right!”

By doing this, just a simple act of sharing, Mab’s story spread to reporters, facebook employees, and people who had gone through this same crap in October of last year. Even though her voice had been taken away by the absurd policy, people took up the call and kept it going. And her story was heard.

Thank you all, so very much, for making that happen! You rock!

Now, uhm… who gets to tell Azog he has to give Wedji her co-host job back?



As some might know, I currently reside in a house. Not the whole house mind you, but I do have the top of one closet, the shelf in another, about 1/3rd of the attic, and the entire liquor cabinet. More than enough real estate for one such as I, but only because the liquor cabinet is not a cabinet at all, but is in fact one of those fancy globe bars that opens up to reveal the secrets inside. Glassware, a tiny bottle of rum, and some really nasty blackberry schnapps.

Normally, residing in this house is fabulous. Especially when it is -16 degrees outside. However, when the power goes off at 5am, and thus the heat, it doesn’t matter at those temperatures whether you are inside or out. It is damn cold through and through. Compound this with the fact that once I finally crawled out of bed, there was no electricity for the toaster.

So I made floppy cold toast, also known as bread, and topped it with what I assumed would be a brilliant mixture of cream cheese and dandelion jelly. It was not as appetizing as I had imagined it would be. I blame this entirely on the cold floppy toast.

But it got me thinking. What in the hell is cream cheese anyways? It is certainly unlike any cheese I have ever encountered before. Is it even bloody cheese? Is it the leftover crap nobody wants when people make actual cheese? Should it be consumed in any raw state, or must it be further processed into cheese-cake?

My brief stint of research, all five minutes of it, turned up this little fact: Early prototypes of cream cheese were referenced in England as early as 1583 (wikipedia)

Well folks, they should have stopped then and there and moved on to making bacon and beer. This stuff is nasty! It is runny or all dried up and crusty, with no middle ground. It absolutely does not work on pizza, and only an idiot would put it on a hot dog. Therefore, it is not cheese in my book at all. It is white milky goo that lacks any of the finer qualities of a good cheese. Don’t even offer it to me unless you have taken the effort to bake it into cheese cake. And no, putting it on a bagel does not make it all better. People put mashed up fish on bagels for crying out loud!

Crap. Utter crap! Even with dandelion jelly.
I should know, I ate it!

Gandersnitch Rants


For our one year anniversary special episode of Goblin Talk (which will happen sometime around Valentines day), we want to hear from our listeners and past guests! We want to know how Goblin Talk has changed your lives over the past year, and what you love about the show, Gandersnitch, Wedji, and Azog. (Mostly Azog…)

And to make this happen – we installed a phone for you to call!

Uhm… sorta installed. Almost installed? Attempted to install! As is the case with everything Azog touches, it is kinda screwy. It only works from the website. You click the little Google widget and then Google calls you, and then Google calls us, and then you leave us an awesome message, and then we play it on the air. All praise the great big brother Google! (They made us say that… Please send help… Or cookies.)

So call us! Please!


This is it folks – the final 48 hours. Or well, 39 hours, since I needed to sleep last night and missed the actual 48 hour mark. If you have not pledged – now is the time to do it. If you want the hardback or swag pack – now is the time to upgrade your pledge. If you don’t want your friends to steal your copy – now is the time to tell them to pledge for their own danged book!

Thank you all for your support! It has been amazing. And just think, after tomorrow, no more annoying memes from Gandersnitch!




Gandersnitch the Goblin wrote a book! And it is a pretty swell book. Full of murder, and mayhem, and goblin philosophy, and queens flicking boogers, and one night stands, and evil spells, and whiskey (a little bit even spilled on the pages as he was writing, what a waste!). And you can get a copy!

Well, you can get a copy once he hits the kickstarter goal to have it printed. Until then, it resides safely in an un-smashable chest under Azog’s bed. Cause it turns out that editing and printing a book (and recording an audio cd of the book) takes a bit of capital. We tried paying with teeth… It didn’t work. And no, we don’t know what happened to the tooth fairy! Don’t ask us! We never saw her!

Anyways, check out the kickstarter. Laugh at the video. Drool over the awesome rewards. Get your book. Share with your friends. And show your love and appreciate for GOBLINS! And here is a little secret just for you – once we raise 50% of the necessary funds, there will be another video going up. The outtakes one. And it is so funny that Posie is going to pee in her pants watching it!


I don’t know how you got here, and frankly I don’t friggen care! The fact of the matter is that you are here, so you might as well make the best of it.

This is our blog thingy for Goblin Talk, the weekly short format variety program hosted by yours truly, Gandersnitch the Goblin, and the incredibly awesome (though sadly still green), Wedji Tucheeks.

We are going to rant about all the important things to Goblin Folk each week. Things we like, things we don’t like, people we like, places we go, crap we think of, and maybe even questions from our faithful flock of listeners. We are going to interview all sorts of celebrities, from circus freaks, to ambassadors, to crazy people stuck in the disco seventies, and all manner of weirdos inbetween.

And the best part? Unlike this post, the podcast is short! It is only five minutes long. I mean, there is no excuse not to listen.

(Unless you are deaf, and then it’s a flimsy excuse at best as you could get someone to type it out in braille for you. Not us, but maybe the people who make the menus for McDonalds. They seem reliable. Of course, that would require you to read braille as well. If you don’t, just get someone to type it out in English maybe. I dunno, you deal with it!)

Only five minutes! That is fast paced, hard hitting, entertainment you can consume on the toilet! What is not to love about it?

So, stay tuned. Check us out on facebook. Send us your love! (Send Azog your hate mail.) And enjoy!

Gandersnitch the Goblin