Goblin Talk

A random, short format, variety show goblin podcast

As some might know, I currently reside in a house. Not the whole house mind you, but I do have the top of one closet, the shelf in another, about 1/3rd of the attic, and the entire liquor cabinet. More than enough real estate for one such as I, but only because the liquor cabinet is not a cabinet at all, but is in fact one of those fancy globe bars that opens up to reveal the secrets inside. Glassware, a tiny bottle of rum, and some really nasty blackberry schnapps.

Normally, residing in this house is fabulous. Especially when it is -16 degrees outside. However, when the power goes off at 5am, and thus the heat, it doesn’t matter at those temperatures whether you are inside or out. It is damn cold through and through. Compound this with the fact that once I finally crawled out of bed, there was no electricity for the toaster.

So I made floppy cold toast, also known as bread, and topped it with what I assumed would be a brilliant mixture of cream cheese and dandelion jelly. It was not as appetizing as I had imagined it would be. I blame this entirely on the cold floppy toast.

But it got me thinking. What in the hell is cream cheese anyways? It is certainly unlike any cheese I have ever encountered before. Is it even bloody cheese? Is it the leftover crap nobody wants when people make actual cheese? Should it be consumed in any raw state, or must it be further processed into cheese-cake?

My brief stint of research, all five minutes of it, turned up this little fact: Early prototypes of cream cheese were referenced in England as early as 1583 (wikipedia)

Well folks, they should have stopped then and there and moved on to making bacon and beer. This stuff is nasty! It is runny or all dried up and crusty, with no middle ground. It absolutely does not work on pizza, and only an idiot would put it on a hot dog. Therefore, it is not cheese in my book at all. It is white milky goo that lacks any of the finer qualities of a good cheese. Don’t even offer it to me unless you have taken the effort to bake it into cheese cake. And no, putting it on a bagel does not make it all better. People put mashed up fish on bagels for crying out loud!

Crap. Utter crap! Even with dandelion jelly.
I should know, I ate it!

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